"Biblical" wisdom for new parents

My first child was born while I was still a student in seminary. During the chaotic months that followed, I was inspired to pen some "biblical" wisdom for new parents:

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a squirmy child to enter his pajamas. With dad this is impossible, but with mom, all things are possible.

Agree with thine wife quickly, whilst thou art selecting baby clothes in the thrift store; lest at any time the wife deliver thee to Target. Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.

I say unto you my friends, Be not afraid of the eruption that destroys the diaper, and after that has no more that it can do. But I will forewarn you what ye shall fear. Fear the eruption which hath power to cast both diaper and onesie into the trash bin. Yea, I say unto you, Fear that!

If thy big toe, when stubbed in the dark, causeth thee to sound, cut it off and cast it from thee. For it is better for thee to enter into bed maimed, rather than having ten toes, to wake up the baby. For his wail is not quenched, and there shall be weeping and gnashing of gums.

How often in one day shall I change my baby’s diaper? Seven times? Nay, I say not unto thee seven times, but rather seventy times seven.

Ye have heard it said, “Sleep while your baby sleeps.” But I say unto you that whosoever shall cease for so much as one microsecond from rocking his sleeping baby hath already awoken that baby. And there shall be weeping and gnashing of gums.

Sell thy possessions and buy diapers.

Why beholdest thou the spit-up on thy wife’s shirt, and do not consider the diaper that hath exploded in thine own lap?

It is necessary that the telephone should ring. But woe to the unsolicited telemarketer by whom it rings during the baby’s naptime. It would be better for that man if he had never been born.

Blessed are the grandparents, for they shall be called.

Do you have some wisdom to add? Leave it in the comment section!


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